*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
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my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
This is so me 😂😂
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?