Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
23. the denim jacket
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.