My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
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The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I needed a laugh this morning.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.