People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
he was correct
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.