me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
You Might Also Like
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally