me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
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*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.