Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.