parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
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[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.