I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
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Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
me as a parent
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying