Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
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I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”