Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
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What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.