*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Sorry. Not sorry
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”