#NoRestForTheWicked
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I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My last name is Zilla.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.