I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
You Might Also Like
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.