Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.