Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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what?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
When I pack too much for a short trip.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.