Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
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Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*