Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters