Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
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If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.