NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
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We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
#math
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.