My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
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Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
The Struggle
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.