I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.