Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Teach your children to beatbox
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”