{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
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When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems