VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
set yourself free xox
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?