I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
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Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
sleeping beauty
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
lmao
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.