Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
You Might Also Like
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Florida man
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her