During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
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Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?