Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
HOW DARE YOU
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.