People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Spell check is for lasers.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”