The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
at ease…shoulder.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Waiting for the Charmin
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase