Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
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My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile