“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
This line from Airplane.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
They did not think through this water fountain
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I put the mess in domestic.