[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
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i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.