Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
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So creative 😂
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Love is in the air fryer.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth