Saint West, the patron of selfies
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me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
That’s classic.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
They’re called werewolves.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it