Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
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Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…