They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
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It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.