I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
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Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.