Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
You Might Also Like
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”