Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
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During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.