Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
thanksgiving in nutshell
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
#Caturday
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)