Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
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[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I’d love this…lol
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.