Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*sewing*
A thread
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator