*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
i will not be silenced
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I get distracted pretty eas
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?