We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
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[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Breaking news:
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.