Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
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Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad