I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok