I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
wishing you and yours all the best
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
this makes me so uncomfortable
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS