Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
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Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
yeah 😭
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house